


The dark side of the moon

by furiousflamewolf



Category: Football RPF
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Love, M/M, Self-Harm, Team as Family
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-02
Updated: 2018-10-03
Packaged: 2019-07-24 09:01:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,494
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16171895
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/furiousflamewolf/pseuds/furiousflamewolf
Summary: Toni said the emotional side of the game did not matter to him. He lied.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I just need to vent about this game really. You cannot tell me he doesn't blame himself.

Both of them return home in silence. Toni not having talked at all. Not when the game had finished. Not when they packed their things. Not when they boarded the airplane. Despite Lucas sitting next to him. Squeezing his hand. Toni had just stared out of the window. Toni hadn't talked when they landed in Madrid. Lucas knew his boyfriend hadn't slept the whole flight. The sparkle in his eyes being replaced by a dull glow. 

No words were spoken when they landed. None when the others bid them farewell. Toni had just nodded at some. Luka had come to hug Toni. Who returned the hug half-heartedly. Not even trying to force a smile on his face. Taking his luggage and making his way to the car. Waiting for Lucas. In silence. The trip home is silent. Lucas not even switching on the radio. Casting worried glances towards the blond. Toni ignores the hand on his knee.

The door is opened and Toni sheds his suit jacket. Draping it neatly on the chair in the kitchen. Shakira comes up to greet them. Wagging her tail happily. Toni scratches her head dismissively. Lucas can see him shake his head. Tonis sleeves being rolled up carefully. Lucas walks up to him. That's when Toni punches the wall. Making Lucas freeze. Blood is dripping from his knuckles. 

Toni avoids Lucas gaze. Small droplets of blood falling onto the rug. Tonis hand is shaking. It had been quiet some time Lucas had seen Toni like this. The blond disappears in the bathroom. Shakira wants to follow him. The dog clearly noticing something is wrong. Lucas grabs her by the collar gently. The dog laying down. 

Lucas finds Toni sitting on the bathroom floor. Avoiding Lucas. The Spaniard crouched down. Biting his lower lip. Before he returns with a cloth and some alcohol to disinfect Tonis bloodstained knuckles. His boyfriend not even flinching. Carefully Lucas wraps it up. Sitting next to Toni. Their shoulders and knees pressed together. A hand coming up to stroke the blonds neck. 

They stay like that. Shakira laying in front of them. Lucas presses a kiss to Tonis cheek. The blond not reacting. It's nearly 6 in the morning. They have to sleep. It's been a tiring day. Toni had always said the emotional side of match didn't matter to him. Lucas knew better. Toni beat himself up every time he made a mistake. Training longer and harder. 

Before they had gotten together Toni had told him he used to punish himself. For every pass he didn't deliver properly. For every missed opportunity. His whole arm being covered in scars. The tattooed one. Lucas didn't want this to happen again. Toni being swallowed by the dark abyss of his mind. Toni had told him that Lucas was his light. His light in the dark. 

Lucas presses his nose into Tonis neck. The tension leaving the Germans shoulders slightly. Gently he is hoisted up. Being led into the bedroom. Lucas unbuttones Tonis shirt and puts him to bed. Lucas snuggles up to him. His arms around Toni's waist. Drawing circles on his hip. A kiss pressed to the blonds neck. Toni sighs. Squeezing Lucas hand in comfort. They don't need any words. Toni is not alone.

That's enough for him.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Despite Lucas being his light in the dark, Toni needs a little bit more convincing.

Lucas rolls around and is about to snuggle closer to Tonis warm body. Except there is no Toni. Confused Lucas extends his hand. The other side of the bed is cold. With a frown Lucas sits up. Shakira is crying and nuzzling his palm. Then disappearing again. As if to say. Come, follow me.

Lucas finds the dog in front of the closed bathroom door. "Good girl", he whispers into the dogs ear. Pushing the handle down Lucas eyebrows crease in worry. The door is locked. Lucas knocks lightly at first. There is no noise. Fear is gripping Lucas heart. Making his blood freeze in his veins.

"Antonio ?? Antonio open the door. Por favor."

Lucas is holding his breath at this point. Then finally after what seems forever Toni unlocks the door. Doesn't open it however. Lucas hand is shaking as he pushes the handle. Toni is staring at his feet. There is something in his hand. Lucas hand is racing at this point. 

"Antonio ??"

Lucas knees are shaking. He approaches Toni, carefully. Treating Toni like a wounded animal. Which Toni kind of is. Gently the item is snatched from Tonis fingers. A breath of relief escaping Lucas' lips. The Spaniard looks at the item in his hand. A razor blade.

With a swift movement it is chucked in the toilet. Lucas flushes it. There is no blood on the white tiles. Lucas runs a hand through Tonis soft fluffy hair. He had always preferred it without gel. Lucas is shaking and Toni presses his face into Lucas' chest. 

Just as Lucas is about to hoist Toni up by grabbing his waist, he stops in his tracks. There is something wet on his palm. There is blood on his hand. Toni never looking at him. Carefully Lucas inspects Tonis waist. There are streaks on his hip. Lucas has to calm himself this is about Toni. God he was such a bad boyfriend for not noticing earlier. 

The cuts are disinfected. Shakira nuzzling Tonis hand. The blond just closes his eyes. "Antonio it was just a game, ok ?? No one blames you." That's when he heard Toni chuckle. It was a bitter chuckle. Lucas had never heard such a noise escape Tonis throat. Never. "Everyone is blaming me, they have every right to. Sergio will probably rip my head off."

Lucas shakes his head. He is shaking now. "Come", he says gently. Hoisting both of them up. Shakira never leaving their side. Lucas puts Toni to bed. He can see Tonis frame shake. Out of the corner of his eye he can see Shakira lay on top of Toni. Calming him down. Her head on Toni's chest. Thank god they had a dog. Lucas takes out his phone and dials a number.

The next time Lucas looks for Toni, the other is asleep. Shakira not having moved from his side. Occasionally licking the blonds hand or neck in comfort. The doorbell rings and Lucas dashed downstairs. Opening it. Sergio looks out of breath. He is not alone. Luka, Nacho and even Marcelo had come. Lucas is so grateful. So incredibly grateful. All of them make their way upstairs.

Shakira growls as Sergio and Marcelo move closer to the bed. Shielding the blond. Growling. Lucas calls her off. She lays next to the blond obediently. Eyeing Sergio and Marcelo suspiciously. Both of them extend a hand for her to sniff at. Showing they mean no harm to her master. Toni opens his eyes slowly. Shakira is licking his face. Toni pats her head gently. That's when he sees Sergio and Marcelo.

Toni freezes. Avoiding his captains looks. He can't breathe all of a sudden. His knuckles turning white as he grips the blanket in front of him. Sergio and Marcelo had come to blame him. Toni was sure. He hadn't slept all night. Worrying. Of course they would blame him. Why else would they be here for. Toni is about to choke but no sound escapes his lips. His hand is shaking. He didn't deserve to play for this team. He didn't. Maybe they'd sell him in January ??

Hands are on both of his shoulders. Making Toni flinch. He was always in control. The emotional side of the match didn't matter to him. He was emotionless. He was confidant in his abilities. Lies. A facade. He had kept it up for so long. This mask he always put on, now it was mocking him. The words Sergio is saying don't make sense. Maybe he is blaming him or insulting him. Toni doesn't know.

Sergio and Marcelo look at eachother. Worried. Toni hadn't reacted. Like at all. Maybe Luka would be able to talk to him. In English. The Croatian tried. Speaking slowly. His voice soft. Tonis shoulders are shaking. He is losing control over his own body. That's when the first tears make their way down his pale cheeks. Sergio and Marcelo are incredibly alert. Shakira had jumped up and had growled at Luka. Her master was in distress. Luka immediately stepped back. 

"It's not your fault." Toni laughs bitterly. There are arms around his body. Toni wants to shake them away. Lucas is pressed up to his chest. Sergio had hugged him from behind. Marcelo and Luka are hugging his shoulders. Nacho is kissing his cheek and keeps Lucas pressed up to Tonis chest with his body. Tonis tremor going through each one of them.

They were a family. They won and lost together. Even if Toni let the goal happen it should have been everyone else's job to score. All of them had failed together. 

They would come out of this. Together. As a family.


End file.
